1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the  second  person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3) Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food.  I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, ! But it’s a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1)  You believe in Santa Claus.
2)  You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3)  You are Santa Claus.
4)  You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age  4  success is . ….. . not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . going all the way.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . ….. having money.
At age 60 success is . . . going all the way.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . ….. . not peeing in your pants.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it’s up put it down.

3 . Don’t cut your hair. Ever.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!

5. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

6. Sometimes, he’s not thinking about you. Live with it.

7. Don’t ask him what he’s thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lent, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.

8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it’s not different, it’s just like every other cat.

9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.

10. Sunday = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

11. Shopping is not sport.

12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

13. You have enough clothes.

14. You have too many shoes.

15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don’t expect us to like it.

16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.

17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.

18. No, he doesn’t know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We’re bound to miss sometimes.

20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

23. Your Mom doesn’t have to be our best friend.

24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

25. Check your oil.

26. Don’t give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

27. Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.

28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.

29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

30. If you don’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.

31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

32. Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

33. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.

34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done not both.

35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

36. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we.

37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.

39. Telling us that the models in the men’s magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it’s certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.

40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

41. Anyone can buy condoms.

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Lights on, door open, nobody at home

As confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar.

He’s as bent as a butchers hook

He’s as happy as a Pig in $hit

About as welcome as a fart in a telephone box

About as subtle as a flying brick

She’s got more wrinkles than an Elephants scrotum

She’s more nervous than a long-tailed dog in a room full of rocking chairs

As tight as a Camels arse in a Sand-storm

She’s stroked more wood than a Furniture Polisher.

About as interesting as watching paint dry

Av seen better looking bodies at a scrapyard I’ve seen better hands on a clock

As confused as a blind lesbian in a fish market

He’s as baffled as Adam on Mothers Day

She’s got half the Black Forest hanging out of her armpits

As nervous as a turkey at Christmas

She’s seen more ceilings than Michelagelo

She ran off quicker than shit off a shovel

She’s as fit as a butchers dog

She’s got a face squeezed like a squeezed tea bag

As useful as a one armed trapeze artist with an itchy arse

His nose is snottier than a frog in a blender

Uglier than a hatfull of assholes.

As rare as a brass monkey’s bollocks

As pissed as a fart in a vacuum cleaner

This guy is all foam, no beer.

As worn out as a cucumber in a convent.

About as useless as a jam sandwidch to a drowning rabbit.

A legend in his own mind…

He’s an expert on padded cells.

He couldnae engineer his way outta paper bag!